10,000 BC
Oh, wow. That’s not a good ‘Oh, wow,’ that’s ‘Oh, wow, I can’t believe I just wasted 109 minutes of my life.’ This film is supposed to be an epic telling the story of a made-up legend about a young hunter who journeys to the ends of the earth to find and save his destined love. An attempt at mysteriousness refers to this mystical woman as ‘the Buy hydrea child with the blue eyes,’ but that just adds to the triteness, and eventually the hilarity (because after the first hour all you can do is laugh at it) of the film.
Throughout his quest, the hunter finds camaraderie in the company of other tribes and civilisations and discovers things about his own past that had previously haunted him. Eventually he wages war on the Egyptian elite which have enslaved his quarry, and the film culminates when the band he has acquired, along with the countless other slaves, revolt and wreak havoc on their captors. In the ensuing melee, woolly mammoths are set free and charge, pyramids and massive scaffolding are destroyed, and the ground is littered with the bodies of the casualties. Normally I try not to give away the ending of a film, but I truly want to save any readers from seeing this movie, and the ending is obvious anyway. The hunter brings the Egyptian leader (I use the word ‘leader’ because he looks nothing like a Pharaoh) to his knees and secures not only the safety of his love but also the release of slaves. This portion of the film only adds to the silliness and outright untruth of the plot. Plus, when the ‘Pharaoh’ dies, his face is briefly shown and he’s an old white guy. If that’s an attempt at a serious political message, not only is the demographic of the target audience way off, but the effort is far, far too late in the movie.
I usually try to keep the political aspects of my reviews to myself, but this film is simply a patriarchal, testosterone driven excuse for battle scenes. Like The Patriot without the only halfway decent plot. A total snoozefest. Honestly, had it not been for the loud music heralding the hero’s arrival in Egypt, I would have fallen asleep. The only, and I mean only, reason I’m even giving this film a rating is because, the first time they’re on screen, the woolly mammoths look pretty cool.
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